Friday, December 9, 2011

Feeling Grinchy

 Will someone please explain to me why any woman 
would want to decorate herself like a tree?  

                                                            Or like one of Hefner's jokes?


  I would never debase my Fizz with this seasonal insanity !

I can  very well imagine what Blowfish would say
 if I bought him with one of these.

Or this

Not to mention his response
 if  I tried to go out in public
something seasoned with sequins.

Today I met a friend for lunch at a Panera's located in a busy shopping area. I am not exaggerating when I tell you the clientele were more decorated than the pastries. I admit, when Mermaid was young, I did , on occasion, wear a Santa hat. A simple one. No embellishments of any sort. None. No beads or sequins or rhinestones or cute felt stitchery. None. I received the Santa hat the first year she attended  pre-school. All the moms and all the kids got these as  party favors. It would have been cruel to my lovely daughter had I declined to wear this gift, so wear it I did. Mostly at home on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Maybe to the Christmas party at her school.  Never to lunch with friends. Or  shopping or to parties with peers. No.

Today I saw fine automobiles decorated with wreaths, or antlers, or garlands, or jingling bells.  
One  had pretty much all of the above, like it was part of a low budget Christmas parade. Why do people do this? I guess if you wired a creche to your roof rack you would be making a reason for the season statement. Decking your transport out with a fuzzy grille nose and antlers?  Why?

After lunch I accompanied my friend into a hobby and craft store. She needed more paper clay and  I  came along to look for an artsy/crafty  gift for a child. The Christmas decorations were already marked down 40%. Shoppers were eagerly taking advantage of the opportunity.  To my horror, my friend headed straight for those enraptured by holiday mania scratching through the sale bins. She pulled out a long, flocked, garland decorated with beaded fruits asking me what I thought about the item?

" Nothing good"
" I think it's nice"
" Nice?"
" Do you think it would look good in my Kitchen?"
" I think it would look fine in the garbage can"
" Ha! Ha! You are funny!"

She returned to digging through the horror bins. I could not watch so I went to look for the gift.
Eventually she tracked me down in aisle 212, pushing a largish cart with stuff she was determined  to enthusiastically show me.  I was speechless. Who thinks it is a good idea to wrap a  million dollar lakefront home in cheap plastic mistletoe?  I  had to get out of there. Immediately. I gave my friend a hug and offered apologies explaining  time had gotten away from me a bit and sorry but I had to rush off and may you have the merriest of Christmases.

A breathed a sigh of relief once I returned to the Fizz. No Christmas tunes were playing, no bells were jingling. When I arrived home it was quiet. There is not yet a tree, or  live garlands or angels decking my halls. Maybe next week. I went out front to check the mail. Across the lane a neighbor was festooning her mailbox. She was wearing antlers. She is retired. Too senior for antlers. I did a little wave and a smile but did not speak. I thought this prudent but then,
" Fishy ! "
" Hi. Merry Christmas."
" Are you decorating this year?"
" I expect so, we always do."
" Are you traveling this year for Christmas?"
" Maybe. We are thinking about a destination Christmas but we are still  unconfirmed"
" Yours is always the last house to show some spirit."
" Did I see your Christmas tree in the ditch last year on Christmas Day?"
" Yes indeed. We put it up on Thanksgiving after dinner  and take it down on Christmas after dinner".
She seemed proud. Confident.  Even a little bit smug in that I-have-got-this sort of way.
 I closed the mailbox, smiled a bit, waved a ta-ta and headed back up the sidewalk.
I wanted to run.
Actually I wanted to scream.
Maybe cry.
Isn't the twelfth day of Christmas after  Christmas?
Traveling by camel was slow! It took  the wise men a while to gather the gifts and follow the star.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my neighbor will have a bedazzled Valentine on her front door.
I guess it wasn't the Grinch who stole Christmas.
It was the retailers.


fishy said...

Haiku competitors!

Blowfish and I have yet to agree on a subject for Monday's game. We will post the subject for this week by Sunday night 6pm EST. Y'all come!

Sharon Rudd said...

Your tale reminded me of a friend who once raled in front of one of his college professors about people who strap Christmas wreaths to the front of their Volvos – only to realize she (the professor) was one of them. Since I almost always travel to be with family for the holidays, I haven’t decorated in eons – one less thing to do during the busy holiday season. No make that two, because then there’s the un-decorating.

Wishing you the best of holidays, dear Fishy – doing things in YOUR style.

Sharon Rudd said...

Hahaha - I think we were commenting on each other's posts at the same time. Please let me know if you're ever in Lexington with some time to spare (especially on a weekend). It would be so much fun to meet up!


Anonymous said...

Sheeeez. Pick a theme already!

moi said...

I live in horror of coming back in my next life as a woman who wears Christmas sweaters on my bod and dangly Rudolphs in my ears.

Pam said...

I have only had one Christmas sweater in my life, definitely early 90's and it had a very short shelf life. I don't do much jewelry so the dangly things wouldn't suit me anyway. But there are always ladies at the office who take it to the extreme. Having said that, I will admit to putting on an elf hat for a sing-along this year. There is no way it could have been a good look! And don't you DARE think about Rudolphing the Fizz.

fishy said...

Eggy I,
Wreath in mouth disease! Unfortunate.

Eggy II,
I would love to! Not going to Lexington this Christmas.

Isn't the name of the game

Why do they do this? It's like the 300 pound woman who wears faux leopard skin. Does it make her feel smaller to wear the attire of a 800 pound animal?

Sharon Rudd said...

Re: Eggy II, glad I won't miss you this xmas, since I couldn't rendezvous then anyway. Weather permitting, I will be driving to Iowa to be with family (flying no longer an option between our cities due to airline service cutbacks). Good weather/road vibes appreciated. The last place I want to spend xmas is stranded in Terre Haute in a motel room, which happened one March.

Jenny said...

First, "Horror Bins" had me laughing! Were you at Michael's or Joann's? Doesn't matter, aisle 212 exists at both.

Second, er, some of us (ok, me) TAKE a lot of time to write a haiku. Sometimes it can take ALL weekend.....just sayin'. Plus, I think your post is full of Haiku theme potential.

As you know, the only thing I poorly decorate is my dogs and I even couldn't do that this year.

and, btw, the Christmas decorations were discounted (the first time) in early October. Not kidding.

I'll be back for Haiku Monday. Now get picking you two! And then pick a destination for Christmas while you're at it. ;-)

fishy said...

Blowfish would reach "forever" immediately if I Rudolphed the Fizz.

Eggy III,
Can you travel by train? I went to my grandmothers by train in my youth, a memory I still treasure. Then too, part of my travels in Canada, Alaska and Europe included trains to my delight. However you travel, I will pray your Christmas is not motel imprisonment in Terre Haute.

A HobbyLobby. We do not have a JoAnns and I only go into the Michaels when drugged and dragged.

I think our Christmas destination is going to be Charleston's French Quarter. Midnight Mass in the oldest Catholic Church in the Carolina's, awesome food, great architecture, drinks and music on the streets and gardens still in bloom.

I will attempt a Saturday morning breakfast conference with Blowfish to confirm a Haiku subject but ... this is not his finest hour.

Aunty Belle said...

Well? It IS Saturday Morning.

Aunty Belle said...

Doan think jes' 'cause it's saturday that early bird sleeps in--yore public be waitin' on their Haiku assignment.

Ditto all the Christmas mis-timing.

We leaves our trees up till Epiphany--as ya note, fer the Wise Men to arrive. That is, YES, 12 days of Christmas is AFTER Christmas.

Charleston at Christmas? Oh! YES, I be a tad--jes' a tad--envious.

May I suggest the Battery Carriage House? It fronts on the Battery, has a lovely garden, an' yore host ( if he be home an not on Kiawah) is the real McCoy.

Blowfish will enjoy the culinary riches! Of course, we'uns will expect stunnin' photos posted at the Pond before Epiphany!!

Scout said...

Fishy - I think people get so wrapped up in the "wrapping" of the holiday (wrapping their homes, their cars, and themselves) to create a diversion from the monotony of their everyday lives. I have a friend at work who has been gearing up for this Christmas since Halloween - its down right depressing for her when it's all over. Literally, it's possible to just go from one major holiday to the next - Hallmark did this to America! Love the visual of your neighbor with the antlers - take a picture for us next time!