Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Monkey Post

On Sunday I blew Blowfish's mind.
Seriously the man put down his power tools and just listened . Actually he looked sort of like a fella having a conversation with an alien. The differences between our ages and our backgrounds is often a difficulty we are forced to acknowledge. Like all couples, sometimes those differences are the foundation of the attraction and equally  often  the foundation of fierce battles.  When I or my siblings are speaking of our childhood, Blowfish is just incredulous at what he hears. Our history is so different from his. He will never understand Southern culture or accept the realities of  being loyal to this culture. It's like the saying, "A Fish can love a Bird but where will they live?"  Blowfish can never live where I do in spirit.

We are trying to re-train our dog Will to stay in our fenced side yard.  It sounds simple doesn't it?  That little rascal has for years been able to jump his way out of the yard which has a 6' high fence. We have lost him 3 times in 12 years. Once it took us 10 days of searching, flyers, newspaper ads, haunting the shelters and lots of walking, clapping and calling  before the reunion.  One year, when we were going to Mermaid's without Will,  we sent him to the country to stay with a friend of Blowfish who raises and trains awesome hunting dogs. He has professional kennels with 8'  fencing between the runs.  Upon our return Brian mentioned we were lucky to still have a dog.  We were then told every morning, when he came out to feed, Will was in a different run visiting with the occupant. ( He is very social )  "The thing is", said Brian, "that dog could have gone anywhere but  he chose to stay. This here is a smart dog. Irritating. But smart. That's a busy road out there."

In our retraining program we put him out in the "dog yard" when we are home  and mostly working outside.  He protests. He is older now so he cannot just jump out which frustrates him. We are talking a big area, with both sun and shade, a long view of the roads in front and behind our property and a common fence with the beautiful Golden retriever girlfriend  next door. There is fresh water, a doghouse with a surround mulched in cedar chips. He has access to part of the deck and can look into one of the garden room doors to keep an eye on things. He even has his very own box fan. Fwe dogs are this lucky but Will is an ingrate on this issue.

 Seriously, none of this pleases him. None of it. So he complains . He does not bark, yip or  yowl. He makes a terrible sound  like a monkey having an anxiety attack. Repetitively. It is not a sound I can stand.

So when Will transforms into "Monkey Dog" one of us will admonish him to stop. Blowfish is largely ineffectual in this mission. Will might stop with the monkey chatter for ten or twelve seconds then it is right back to the horror noise. 
On Sunday in desperation Blowfish said, "That dog is just like you, he never listens to me"
"Are you calling me a dog?"
"No, but you and that dog of yours are two of the stubbornest creatures on the planet."
"Did you lose your mirror?"
"What? Why?"
" You seem to have forgotten the true face of stubborn".


In the background the monkey chatter was escalating. 
Blowfish said, " I am done with this, you make that dog shut the heck up".
I loathe it when Blowfish tries to order me to do a thing. Anything. But, I hate the monkey dog chatter worse.  I am an alpha so out I went to  Will  where I made him sit, got his full attention and told him there would be no more monkey dogging. I take my alpha duties seriously. I believe in the intellect of animals and I absolutely believe in the importance of eye contact when communicating with other species. I told Will in my most stern Alpha  dominating demeanor I hated monkeys and their chatter and that no monkey dog was welcome. Once I was sure he understood me I left him in the dog yard and returned to the gardening.

After a brief pause Blowfish said, "Why do you hate monkeys?"
"They are horrible creatures".
"Have you known many monkeys?"
"Two. Which to my thinking is two too many".
"Will is quiet"
"Yep"
"How do you do that?"
"Most animals understand intent. Well, except for monkeys."
"Tell me."

" In the social South , Sundays were for calling or receiving. On a typical Sunday  I would endure the tortures of the curly hair comb out, get beautifully dressed in itchy finery and be  marched to Church where I was admonished to sit still, pay attention, not scratch from  those itchy clothes and for God's sake this week not get sick or faint  from the incense. After church it was off to Sunday Lunch either at the club or at a relatives or friends of my parents. There you had to be quiet, as in seen not heard, not itch, have manners and not spill anything. This sounds simple. But if you are seated at a linen draped table crowded  with fine china, crystal, silver and mountains of food, perched on slippery phone books stacked on an armless chair one wrong move can create disaster. The worst Sundays were when we went to call on the parents of our mother's former beau. The one she was expected to marry before her whirlwind courtship and elopement with Dad. This couple referred to we kids as "the children"  because our dad was the presumed reason they had no grandchildren. Instead they had a monkey. When we came calling they always wanted to have us  interact with the monkey. They even would pose us for pictures with the thing. Seriously Blowfish, you have no idea how hard it is to smile while you are suffering from  a food overdose, wearing starched itchy clothes  while a long tailed rat like thing in clothes sits on your shoulder, picks trough your hair and breathes on you."


I pretty much said all of that run together. Like one sentence, without pause and maybe without taking a breath. Blowfish had that look of incredulity he has every time I speak about my early life. I went on,
" On some of those visits our arrival would be  the impetus for that monkey to go nuts. Careening around the room jumping from lamps to curtains, breaking treasures left and right all the while shrieking that  monkey chatter at a level which made my ear drums vibrate. Do you know monkeys have fangs? And they hiss as well as chatter and shriek?

 I guess to have our family invade it's normally quiet territory was a threat to that monkey. It certainly reverted to normal behavior for it's species. If those people had a lick of sense they would have put that monkey in a quiet safe place and would not have  subjected it to the trauma of visitors.

I think having monkeys must have been in vogue  for a while because one of my classmates also had a monkey. The Dad in that household was a mean, mean man. He said awful things to his wife and kids, and would kick a dog so hard it would go airborne. But he loved that monkey.  He would sit in his dark,  shuttered den stroking and sweet talking that monkey for hours. If any of us kids passed by the den that monkey would commence with the shrieking chatter and the man would go to yelling and threatening us. The thing was you could not get to the bathroom without passing the den  and disturbing the monke. I  liked my classmate but I loathed going to her house for a play date. 

Did you not have Monkey Grinders on Staten Island? Funny men with accordions and monkeys  on chains dressed liked Shriner's?  Creepy. People would gather round the musician while the monkey would make it's way around the circle  collecting tips. I don't  know if it was because I was little or because my hair is curly or what but every monkey I ever encountered wanted to nest on my head. I hate the damn things. They seriously creep me out."

Blowfish looked like he had been frozen in amber he was so still and quiet.
After a pause he said, " Fishy, one day you have got to write  down all these memories".
" Why? No one would read them. I am pretty sure they are selling more copies of Hunger Games than Little Women. People like to look forward more than they like to look back.  Not to mention I am a designer not a writer "
" You write a blog"
" I've been a right serious slacker on that front lately"
" Blog about the monkeys".
" Blowfish, no one wants to read about our conversation on a Sunday afternoon."
" This is more than a conversation. Write about the monkeys."
" Why?'
" Mermaid agrees with me. We think there  is more we do not than do know about you. We have had conversations on this after reading one of your blogs. Mermaid will call and say, OMG Dad, did you know this about Mama? We often are amazed by the things we have learned about you. You tell the blog world, not us"
" Well, I've told you about the monkeys."
" Blog it"
AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Mermaid, do you care why I don't like monkeys?







173 comments:

Pam said...

HAHHAHA. Blowfish and Mermaid are right. This ranks up there with the lady and the broken leg who lived in a trailer story. But the question is, did Will the dog ever start up the monkey chatter again?

chickory said...

Im not a big primate fan myself. That incident with the Xanaxed out chimp living with psycho lady and tore her friends face off? yeah, that pretty much sealed the deal. Then there was the time a spider monkey got on my shoulder in COsta Rica and wrapped his tail around my neck and didnt let go until I paid a guy to take him off. great little scheme there. I dont like people that much so a little tiny people like creature with fangs and a prehensile tail aint my cup of tea. SO when V won a free ticket to the gorilla rescue farm in tennessee? I was less than excited. gross.

Good story. Hope Will finds a way to like his dog yard -sounds really good to me.

fishy said...

Pam,
No more "monkey dog" happened on Sunday. In fact, Will was so quiet Blowfish thought he had gotten out again. He was there, napping in the sun with his box fan keeping him cool.

Once when we were both at the vets,with two dogs, the vet turned to me and said, " Don't take this the wrong way but you are one of the best Alpha Bitches I have ever seen."

I would have paid that man money to not make that comment in front of Blowfish.

Chickory,
Oh! That news story made me ill. When I went searching for images for this post I was horrified at the number of pictures of noseless, eyeless or earless humans who had gotten on the wrong side of a monkey. It freaks me out.

LOL at your " I don't like people all that much ..."

Boxer said...

see, random memories make great blog posts! I think Chimps are very strong and are WILD so they should not be treated as domesticated anything. They aren't. The little ones seem devious to me, but I think that's because of a Raiders of the Lost Ark movie? And of course, then there are those flying one froms Wizard of Oz. I loved the image of Blowfish being as "frozen in amber." Ha! Great image. Thank you for the post.

Aunty Belle said...

Hmmn...looky, now, orangutans an' their kin belong in the jungle.

What is it about humankind that imagines them monkeys even want to be near humans? Take a clue, folks--

Ditto Boxer--random memories make charmin' posts. An' I think youse a terrific writer. Folks wif' an ear fer dialog, a memory, an an eye fer detail can write--jes' takes discipline.

fishy said...

Boxer,
Blowfish will be grinning big when he reads you agree with him about blogging random memories. You are right, monkeys are WILD animals and should not be forced into an alien environment for the entertainment, or neediness, of humans. UGH! Did you read Chickory's comment about having to pay some Costa Rican blackmailer to get a monkey off her????? I could feel great hostility over that scenario.

Aunty,
You make a great point, who wants a jungle animal in their Living Room? Do they really think a wild animal wants to be there? It's nuts, no wonder the monkeys screech and chatter.

Thank you for the encouraging words :-)

Mermaid said...

First off I agree with Dad... we DO learn amazing things about you that would otherwise never be told if it weren't for your wonderful blog!!!

Secondly; Will is an old pup. Send him off to the groomers with regularity and let him be in the house with you. He loves, Loves, LOVES his people and the awful monkey chattering is because he's lonely. When he lived with me he went everywhere but work with me and was a happy pup. You let McCloud go everywhere with you, why not a poor deaf and blind treasure????

Thridly; I LOATHE monkeys. When I was a little girl there was a sweet child in my class that had horrible afflictions from a disasterous reaction to normal imunizations as an infant. One year for her birthday party they hired some circus clown act with a monkey named Flash to be the entertainment. This turned out to be discusting and traumatizing. Maybe because I too have long curly hair, or maybe it was the neon colored bow in my hair, but that damn monkey attacked me and refused to get off my shoulders while he picked and "groomed" my hair. That creature perched on my head with a foul smelling diaper on its behind screaming in my ear ruined me for life where monkeys are concerned.

<3

fishy said...

Mermaid,
okay, okay, okay but you could reciprocate by reactivating your blog.

On our little treasure Will. We are running out of groomers who will take him. He is hard to groom and he does NOT enjoy the process and when I go to get him they have him in a muzzle with a warning tag because they swear this sweet, sweet pup is vicious. He is NOT but he does not like being bathed or groomed.

I gave him a scrub and a haircut yesterday afternoon and I can assure you it was a miserable experience for us both.

The sad truth is as he has aged he
has also developed allergies. When we bring him into the house with us he begs to go out as he sneezes and rubs his face non stop. He gets so miserable he goes and sits by the door and whimpers. The vet thinks the reason he prefers to be in the garage is because it is not full of allergens like a house or the yard. He also says it is typical of spaniel breeds to have allergies and more of them as they age.

He does like to go in the car and he is very social (if no bath is involved) but he does get carsick and he sheds worse than any dog I have ever known. Even so I have tried having him in the office with me and he is just physically miserable inside.

See, there IS good reason to not like monkeys. In this small blog circle three of us have had negative experiences with the nasty little creatures.
Aunty is right, they belong in the jungle.

Mermaid said...

yes ma'am!!!! <3

moi said...

Aw, Will tugged my heart strings. Some dogs just can't be contained. Ivan and his dearly departed sister, JoJo, were two of them. In their heyday, they had a territory that encompassed at least two to three square miles. Neighbors would call the numbers on their tags, tell me they were in their yard playing with their dog, or sunning on their porch. I'd be out running with them and people would stop and say, "Oh, so you're Ivan and JoJo's mom!"

At the same time, we had a black Lab who NEVER left the property. Go figure.

Hey, if you told me not to monkey scream anymore, I'd for sure listen, too :o)

I dislike monkeys, and not because they hit too close to home, because I DO love Gorillas. Maybe because they are smaller and wilier and people tend to infantilize them. I don't know. Never been tempted to have a wild animal as a pet. It's just all kinds of wrong.

fishy said...

Moi,
you would soooo love my precious little Will. His assignment here on Earth is to be joyful and to share that joy. He is delightful but he is having a hard time with the aging process. I try very hard to listen to his needs and try to put his preferences above my own. I guess his monkey dogging is way of saying, "leave me be".

I can understand wild animal rescuers. I cannot understand those who know damn well they are supporting the wild life poachers.

Anonymous said...

Very interesting post Fishy! I think there were a few monkeys around town as I grew up, but dont' remember encounters. You are right on on their territorial behavior. Wild animals are wild even if habituated.

Did your vet mention taking Will to an allergist? When we moved to Houston from Wyoming years ago we brought our second-hand, middle-aged spaniel mix there with us. His allergies were horrible!! And continued to get worse and worse. Our vet only charged me for drugs he felt so bad he could not do much. He finally sent me to a doggie dermatologist. I didn't even know they existed, and couldn't believe I was driving 2 freeway hours to see one. But I had to DO something for the poor boy. He tested positive to 22 of 24 allergens! I ended up giving him antigen shots the rest of his life, but they worked. He still had occasional flare-ups when he got a heavy dose of something, but 98% of the time it was pretty good. A thought maybe?

Serendipity

fishy said...

Serendipity,
Thanks for that information about vet allergists. There is not such a specialist here so I might follow your example and get on the super slab.

Inside the house his known allergy is to gas. We have natural gas furnaces and a gas hot water heater. Outside he seems to have sensitivities to Leyland Cypress trees which line the property.
He is happiest in the Garage where there is no gas and no trees. There is a great comfy bed, a fan, 4 windows and a long view of the back acre. Sigh. When he was in Kentucky with Mermaid he did not have these issues. He is older now and she is young, busy, and away for long hours so he is here.

Aunty Belle said...

Did y'all have Derby Day?

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